Monday, 1 November 2010

Dear Neighbours

(The letter that I’m never gonna send. But would love to)

I see that you have your house up for sale?  3 years seems to have  flown by doesn't it? I can’t say i was that surprised, as that little terrace house next door to us seems to be popular with young, first time buyers, who up sticks and ‘move on up’ the housing ladder in a few years.. Well good luck to you and your bigger mortgage.

I was just wondering though..before you go…if you could answer some of my questions?


Is there an actual ZIP attached to your lips that is permanently closed..or is it just closed when you come within 10 feet of me?


I think I could count on one hand, the amount of one syllable words you have bothered yourself to mutter to me in the 3 years you have lived there. I don’t look that scary, in fact, most of the time I am very normal looking. A lot of people would say that I am even a nice, friendly, sociable person.

Why does it take you 3 days to put your recycling/rubbish bins back to the back of the house? They are in the middle of the pavement.  You practically have to dodge past them every time you go in and out of your house!

What do you dooooo all evenings/weekends when you aren’t working!? It’s certainly not moving your bins back to the correct place/it definitely doesn't include any type of gardening, I'm surprised you get any light in your front room with the size of the triffids you have growing at the front of your house. And the back garden? You may as well live in a flat the amount of attention you give it.

I’m wondering if those i pod earphones are surgically attached in your ears?  Is that why you don’t communicate with anyone?  Do you wear them to bed? Is it like a comfort blanket? What would happen if I came and snatched them out? Would you spontaneously combust?  Do you know how unsociable and downright blinking rude it is to have them in all the time!? Do you care? I mean, you may as well be a statue.


So I guess we will be getting new neighbours soon.  That will be a breath of fresh air, hopefully.  You will be off to pastures new.  To thrill someone else with your personality.

I would say it’s been a great 3 years having you as a neighbour.


But. It Hasn’t. So I won’t.



  1. Oooops!

    Hope you get someone friendly, tidy & who loves gardening next time.

    We're lucky - we've lovely neighbours though there's one family in the close (of 9 houses) that we refer to as invisible as they've never spoken to us!!

  2. Haha! I'd love to send a letter to my neighbours! It would say some of these very same things.

    Good luck with the next batch!

  3. LOL! I am totally cracking up at this Claire.

  4. hahaha love this post :) very great blog, I like your way of writing a lot!


  5. oh neighbors...they are so interesting. it being halloween i feel it appropriate to share a quick thought on the subject...
    my husband and i were BRAND newly married and were living in our first tiny home. happened to be right next door to the neighborhood ghetto mom to about 15 children...all somehow connected- one slept with this daughter, another with that son- you get the picture. no joke. little grandkids without clothing on running around wild. halloween rolls around. we have been in the neighborhood for two months. turns out this lovely grandmother (about 40 yrs of age if that) turns her front yard into a freak cemetery. bloody legs, arms, and heads hanging everywhere. like twenty to thirty sets. axes, knives...the whole nine yards. it was honestly the most disturbing thing ive ever seen. our friends were scared to come over. yeah. i know about neighbors. best part was, that was the only holiday she decorated for...